5 December 2010
Costco Wholesale Corporation
Attn: Customer Service
P. O. Box 34331
Seattle, WA 98124
Re: Lack of Acme Fish Corporation’s smoked whitefish products at your Richmond, California, store
It’s me, your biggest fan.
I’m wondering why you, once again, pulled the rug out from under my supply of smoked whitefish. Clearly you don’t understand what kind of hardship this presents – particularly during the holidays. Why do you think I’m always filling out those customer cards when I leave the store, crestfallen?
I’ve lost all hope in terms of the smoked whitefish salad, which you had for some 18 glorious months several years ago. Those two pound tubs for $7.99 made me scoff at the local bagel stores hawking the same exact stuff for upwards of $15 a pound. The laugh was on me, though, Costco, when I had to go crawling back to those places with my tail between my legs when you discontinued that product.
Oh, sure, you sometimes have the whole smoked whitefish, but, like a parochial school girl in a short plaid skirt, you’re a tease.
Costco, you know I love you. I always talk you up to my friends, even when you hurt me. I love you even though I understand you conduct random drug tests on your employees, which I believe to be a violation of Fourth and Fourteenth Amendment rights, but I’m willing look past that and dip a toe into the waters of hypocrisy because you carry such excellent cheeses. Your inexpensive Prosciutto di Parma, #10 cans of Rokeach gefilte fish, environmentally-friendly cleaning products and Very Berry Sundae have me all wrapped up.
Why can’t you justify my love and give me a regular supply of whole whitefish, at the very least, if you can’t manage to stock the salad? This way I can make my own whitefish salad, though I’d really appreciate being spared the grief of all those bones, if you catch my drift.
Do you think you could hook the Richmond store up with one or both of these products from Halloween through the New Year, and then again at Passover?
Some of us don’t drive – or can’t drive on freeways or bridges and so cannot easily get to a different Costco. Some of us are tired of asking friends in San Francisco to look for these products for us.
Give an ex-New Yorker with a Jewish husband and German mother a break. Ex-South Floridians, ex-La-La Landers, Northern Europeans and others in the Oakland-to-Richmond corridor of the East Bay would appreciate it, too.
Costco, I believe you have spies people out in cyberspace keeping track of what is said about you and your products on blogs and other sites. I think those people might even comment now and again to diffuse negative criticism. I can’t prove it, and I don’t blame you, but the analytics for my blog, as well as a few suspicious comments, seem to point in that direction.
I know you didn’t like it when I said the dressings provided with some of your in-store prepared wraps are too viscous because you use gums. No, I don’t think you liked that at all.
I’m hoping that the gentle criticism I offer now and then on my blog won’t have a negative effect on my smoked whitefish request.
To remind you, these products are marketed under the Blue Hill Bay label and come from Acme Smoked Fish Corporation in Brooklyn. I also provided a photo of a whole smoked whitefish at the top of this post for your convenience.
I won’t be sending this letter through the mail because I’m certain you’ll be aware of it in very little time, given keywords I used.
With best wishes for a wonderful holiday,
The Akitachow household
PS: I’m assuming you’ll be handing out free cookbooks and samples of your caramel apples and peppermint bark, but maybe you can also have someone there cutting up a whole prosciutto on the afternoon of 9 December?